Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Moving back to Australia

The last few weeks have been very testing you could say. I feel like I have done a years’ worth of events in a mere few weeks. I had to packed up my last two years in London. That alone was emotional enough. Not to mention the break up. It was by far the strangest break up that I’ve ever had. I had been in London for two years and don’t get me wrong it was fabulous, the travelling the experience alone was something that I would never change. But the feeling of never coming back to Australia was starting to take over. I was getting over the cold and not being able to feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I would have never thought, but the change of weather really effects peoples moods. Maybe that's why they call them the winging poms! Getting up early and leaving the house while it was still dark coming home at the end of the day on the socially awkward tube. I was starting to loose my essence.

So one night Joe and I went out for dinner we had drunken a bottle of Multipuciano between us and still to this day I believe that when you’re drunk the truth comes out. I had told him that I can’t extend my visa and if he didn’t want to come back to Australia with me that I was going anyway. At the time I thought it was a bit harsh how it came across. But when I woke up the next morning and felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders I knew I had made the right decision. It was hard saying goodbye to Joe who I consider to be one of the loves of my life’s. I say one because my family is the other and that was one that I would have to give up if I decided to permantly live in the UK. I had handed in my resignation the next day and from that day the dreaded four weeks started. It was horrible to say at the least. I had to live with Joe knowing that in four weeks we would realistically never see each other again. The worst part of it all is that we didn’t fight at all. We would just go on like everything was normal and occasionally we would look at each other and get really upset.

You see as much as I loved Joe, I became too reliant on him, financially and emotionally. My life in London was exhausting at times and when I made great friends they would move back to their countries and that would really upset me. I am a really social person, I love being surrounded by people. I hate not being able to come home to someone at the end of the day and tell them about my day. The feeling of being unsettled really got to me after a while. I was depressed and I would take it out on Joe. This made me feel guilty for fighting with Joe and made me resent him at the same time. It wasn't fair on him at all, I was becoming controlling and I hate that. I could feel myself holding onto everything negative that would happen to me. For me that is the worse thing that could happen. Sometimes things don’t get any better unless you make them better. When you're in that state of mind it's hard to leave that vicious circle.

When I left the Uk for the first couple of weeks I felt horrible. I felt like maybe I had made the worst decision of my life. Everything back home hadn’t changed a bit. The people that I was friends with before I left were still talking about the same rubbish gossip as before I left. People seemed to be a lot more narrow minded than I remembered. My family were great but even still with them around 24/7 checking up on me I felt like I was suffocating. I then made the decision to move to Brisbane (about an hour north from the Gold Coast). It’s my second week here and everything seems to be falling into place. I feel like I have my independence back after two years of living without it.

Finally I feel like I am gaining some of my essence back x

in the mean time here are the things that are making me smile for now

My new nightly visitor

The view from the office I work in

Kanga Bangas- one of the many things that makes me think- I have to send this to Joe!

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